airfares saved by annoying web design -- we came close to not having a holiday at all, but trying to book flights on ansett's website was so difficult i spat the dummy & booked us on virgin blue instead... so we had valid tickets, although the relative frequency of virgin's flights meant we were facing a three hour stop over in brisbane's airport... at least, that's what we thought we were facing...

is that a warning siren? some kind of klaxon going off as we board the plane in sydney on monday morning... mustn't be anything too important, right, or they wouldn't be packing us on? this is your captain speaking. there's a slight problem, but we'll have it fixed in a few minutes so everyone sit tight. uh, this is your captain speaking again. would you mind disembarking while we wait for an engineer with a big hammer?

terminal situation -- three & a half hours of sitting in virgin's sydney terminal ensues... rapture. it's a debacle before we even leave sydney... will we miss our connecting flight? no, claims the reassuring virgin blue announcer. those travellers continuing to townsville won't have any problems...

hammer time -- conflicting public addresses... the engineer's working on it... we're waiting for the engineer... it'll be fixed any minute now... no really, any minute... why, it's practically fixed already... uh... how would you feel about getting on that other plane instead?

substitution racket -- so we jump into the spare plane, which appears to be klaxon-free, & finally make it into the air... things can only get better from here, surely? disembark in brisbane & head off to collect the luggage... keri notices there isn't any plane listed as heading to townsville on the departure board... uh oh...

connection schmonnection -- the flight to townsville left twenty minutes ago... bonza. we thought we were pissed before, but we're really pissed now... what's the deal? days one & two of the holiday shot already. okay, here's the deal. we're guaranteed seats on the flight tomorrow, but that doesn't leave for another twenty-four hours. virgin blue spend no expense & put us & eight other happy campers up for the night in the motel del scum. & we get credited with the value of our tickets. a free flight to anywhere that virgin flies in the next twelve months. if they can find a plane that works. & they'll send a bus to collect us at one o'clock tomorrow. hurrah.

well, it looks like a bed -- we head into the valley & grab dinner in chinatown, then go for an after dinner wander. when we've had enough of walking, we grab a cab back to the motel del scum. the bed is three inches of dodgy foam rubber balanced on a rock hard slab of timber. an education in the outer realms of discomfort. & it's not like we've still gotta stooge around in brisbane all day tomorrow.

a change of plan, just for a change -- the bus gets rescheduled. now they're gonna pick us up at ten. the desk jockey tells us when we get in from the valley, so we at least get a bit of forewarning. everyone else gets a note slipped under their doors in the middle of the night. which is no help to the family with the two unsettled young kids who don't wake up until the bus has already arrived. there's no way they can be ready in time, so it leaves without them.

book 'em, danno -- right. we've got boarding passes for the townsville flight. we catch the train into the city & wander aimlessly around the mall for a couple of hours. my back aches like a bastard courtesy of the motel del scum's slabmaster ensemble. train back to airport. no klaxons while boarding. i think we're gonna make it.

g'day late -- mum & kevin & karen meet us at the airport on tuesday afternoon. it's great to see them again. the family with the young kids are at the luggage carousel. they made it as well. grab the bags & head for the cars. townsville is hot. i drive mum's station wagon. after our cuore, mum's car feels like the uss nimitz. there's about a kilometre of metal in every direction. & no power steering. i can barely turn the wheel. book into the resort, which is not too shabby. hey, a bed. with springs & padding & everything. then off for dinner. kevin's gonna loan us his car for the duration of our stay. cool. things are looking up.

grouse house -- after dinner we cruise out to kevin & karen's place, which is looking really good. & we meet the pets. & the other pets. & the other pets. & check out the orchid house. & i finally get to see the wedding photos. & score an excellent beatles poster that kevin snaffled for me. heading on towards eleven o'clock. we're zonked, & they've gotta get up for work. time for bed. an actual real bed.

breakfast of champions -- mum joins us for breakfast at seagulls on wednesday morning. i do my best to set fire to the toaster, but it won't quite burn. the pool looks great, so keri gives me a post-breakfast swimming lesson. i think i'm starting to get the hang of it. still, there's not much time for swimming, we've got to go swimming. off to the tobruk baths on the strand. keri does some laps while i splash about in the shallow bits with a kickboard. young children pause in mid-tumble turn to sneer at me.

mallrat -- we dry off & i drag keri over to castletown where we catch up briefly with fashion fair's manager of the year. kay's looking really well, & is particularly pleased with the giant fugly pokemon toy she bought for dave & anne's new daughter, dawn. kay's really hoping dawn bonds with it, which will mean dave & anne can look forward to several years of dragging a huge & aesthetically disturbing pokemon around with them.

here's lucy -- after grabbing sandwiches for lunch, we catch up with lucy at gecko interiors. lucy's going well, & her shop's much better than a lot of supposedly interesting homeware shops in sydney. keri grabs a cool wooden frame thing, which lucy wraps in about twenty-seven square metres of bubble wrap... not to be outdone, i buy some new t-shirts in target. you can take the boy out of townsville...

the age of aquarium -- we spend the rest of the afternoon checking out reef HQ. & to think i was sure they couldn't come up with a dumber name than reef wonderland. ingenious. the aquarium's still good, but not as good as i remember. & i manage a brief tour of the new museum, gratis, since it's almost closing time. it's pretty cool, in that museum-y kinda way.

anne & dave dawning -- dinner with the newly more populous kinsey-henderson household... dawn is very cute, & it's great to catch up with dave & anne again. the renovations are coming along nicely, too. & we get to see the enormous pokemon toy, which weighs about a tonne.

ted of finland -- back to the tobruk pool on thursday morning, where i buy myself a pair of goggles & a set of flippers... with approximately four feet of dayglo orange rubber attached to my legs i can generate enough momentum to do some laps of my own. things are going swimmingly until my left calf cramps up just as i reach the deep end for the fifth time. young children break out the sneers again.

literary lunching -- off to JCU where i catch up with carmel, & keri & i have lunch with gina. i head around to say hi to jenna, robyn & tina in the research office then it's back into town to check our email in the library in flinders mall, where we run into bec, who's on her way to a forum of some sort.

bye byron -- andy's emailed keri from byron to let us know he isn't gonna be there next week, so when we get back to seagulls i call virgin & manage to get our brisbane-sydney flight next week switched from thursday to tuesday & cancel our bus transfers. then i put on a load of washing & leap into the pool again... this swimming thing is a bit of alright, innit? thursday night we head over to mum's place for dinner, & spend a couple of hours looking through some old photo albums. i grab a cool picture of kevin aged somewhere around five with our guinea pig, tiger...

friday on my mind -- a bit of a sleep in kinda day, then we check out of seagulls & drop some gear off at mum's place. i drop keri at the magnetic island ferry terminal, where we discover i've fifteen minutes to meet up with kevin & karen, hand over the car keys, & get back to catch the ferry. kevin & karen drop me off with about a minute to spare.

random accomodation generator -- the house in arcadia that i booked at random turns out to be a bit of a score, but the weather is just killing. we grab some groceries, go for a desultory splash in geoffrey bay, cook up some spinach & asparagus spaghetti, then collapse.

mokel yokels -- up early on saturday to find the island's cooled down a bit, & we jump on a bus which takes us back to the mini moke hire place at picnic bay. now we're cruising! off to the supermarket for some fresh supplies, & then i moke my way back to picnic bay again to meet up with mum & kevin & eddie. lunch at the house, then off to horseshoe bay for a bit of a look-see. kevin buys a singlet in one of the surfshops, & we sit around on the esplanade for a while.

bus ta move -- the townsvillians catch the bus to meet up with the ferry at picnic bay, & keri & i jump in the moke & drive up to the turn off to arthur bay. a brief walk down the hill, & there's the ocean again. my flippers are awkward in the waves, & i have a brief panic attack, but once i ditch the flippers i'm fine. we swim around for ages, & it's amazing fun. dave's lent me his snorkelling mask & snorkel, but the water's too cloudy to see much of anything. i'm having too good a time to care.

a horse is a horse, of course of course -- how do you steer these things? if this is sunday morning, then this must be our bush 'n' bay horse ride. two hours wandering through the bush & then down to the beach at horseshoe bay on the back of a giant animal. i haven't been on a horse since a rather embarrassing incident at a primary school fete, where i threw a tantrum to get mum to buy me a pony ride, & then promptly had a screaming fit once i'd been lifted onto the poor animal because i was too far off the ground.

tantrum free zone -- at least i manage to avoid the screaming fit this time. & i don't fall off either. & i only shriek with fear the very first time the horse breaks into a sedate trot. i dunno. i prefer mountainbiking, but it's kinda cool in a weird what-am-i-doing-on-a-horse kinda way. my horse is called candy, & appears to be remarkably unconcerned about having to cart me through the scrub in thirty-odd degree heat. keri's horse is called blue boy, & is kinda naughty. it seems to have some kinda hate thing happening with one of the other horses. there's a bit of jostling for position happening, & a bit of refusing to follow instructions, but kez takes it in her stride.

shaken, not stirred -- once we make it to the beach, there's the opportunity to ride the horses bareback into the ocean. i'm having enough trouble trying to stay aboard with a saddle, so i pass on this one, but keri's unfazed & heads for the water. it's a total kodachrome marlboro country moment. then everyone gets saddled up again, & it's back through the scrub to the ranch. i'm pretty glad to see it when it finally appears. i dunno much about anatomy, but it's somehow disquieting to be able to feel your internal organs bouncing individually up & down.

let the restivities commence -- horseridin' takes it outta ya, so we kick back for a few hours before it's time for another swim. i'm okay with the fins in the waves today, & we check out the rocks on one side of the bay & finally see some fish. a helpful english backpacker tells us there's bigger fish to see in geoffrey bay, so we jump outta the water & wander around the point. we see some big fish from the shore, but we're kinda tired & emotional by now & can't make the effort to get back into the water.

hello possums -- a final meal, & a couple of possums turn up on the veranda to see what's cooking. they chow down on an avocado & some leftovers. one of them's semi-tame, but by the time i think of getting my camera they've both scarpered. in true national geographic style, i set up with the camera & attempt to lure them back with an orange. an hour later i head to bed sans possum pictures. of course, the orange is gone in the morning.

running early -- luckily for us we get the keys back to the real estate agent & the moke back to the hire place about half an hour before we'd planned to on monday morning. this puts us in a good position to minimise the fallout from my inability to read the ferry timetable. back to the mainland, where we grab mum's car & spend a few hours wandering about before dropping in to see anne & dawn again. then back to mum's place for an hour or so, & off to the airport to see if virgin can get their plane started today.

au revoir, scene -- mum & eddie & kevin & karen & dave & anne & dawn all turn up to make sure we get on the flight. you can never be too careful. no alarms this afternoon, & we take off pretty much on schedule at 5.15.

standby, you're in the air -- we're waiting to collect our bags from the carousel in brisbane & not really looking forward to spending another day in transit when keri has the brilliant idea of asking if there are any standby seats available on a sydney flight this evening. it's 7.30 by now, & the virgin staffer tells us there could be seats on the 8.30 flight. do we wanna check back at 8.15 to find out? oh yeah, we do.

x-ray ted -- at 8.25 we get two seats confirmed. one less day of stooging! of course, wouldn't that just be the worst time for the guy operating the x-ray machine to discover the forgotten set of nail clippers buried in the lost pocket at the very bottom of my bag? despite the fact that they've made it through three x-ray machines in the past week. the plane's leaving, they're calling us over the PA, & i'm digging everything outta my bag trying to find the clippers. keri heads for the departure lounge to tell them i'm on my way & not to leave without us. eventually i find the clippers, hand them over, stuff everything back in & run for the gate.

bright lights, big city -- the door of the plane hits me on the arse on the way through, but we make it on board & take our seats. touchdown in sydney around 10.05. keri drops me home about eleven & i'm pushin' out zeds by ten past. when i wake up at eight, the weather is excellent, all cold & raining. home again!