plan

rhinoplasty,

then

lots & lots

of liposuction.

hotwired buddhist implants.

wardrobe full

of shiny clothes.

those big eyes.

broadband hair spikes.

surround sound

& platform shoes.

through the tulips.

(me & amsterdam.)

narita sunshower.

never leaving home without it.

magicdog vs italy — finally got the photos from my trip sorted out… there’s some other stuff i wanna put up that isn’t ready yet, but the photos are a start…

here’s a sample — one of my favourite images from pompeii…

wallpaper — i’ve saved the full image (that’s just a detail) in a range of common screen resolutions… choose one from the list below if you’d like it on your desktop… if you’re on windows, click on the size you need, wait for it to load then right-click on the image & choose “set as wallpaper”… (sorry, i can’t remember what the drill is on macOS…)

• 1280 x 960 pixels (177kb)
• 1152 x 864 pixels (155kb)
• 800 x 600 pixels (78kb)
• 640 x 480 pixels (51kb)

rock rock, rock ’n’ roll high school — uh… there was a reason for typing that… uh… nope, it’s gone…

huge blue day — the air’s kinda clearer than usual after a couple of days of rain… the sky is just immense today…

art breaks slump — sometimes (usually on the upswing part of the cycle) i don’t mind so much that i seem to be moderately bipolar… but, sheesh, i’d be happier (by definition, right?) if i could live without the downswings… been breaking outta something of a slump over the last couple of days… going to see the biennale stuff yesterday helped… it’s the weird helplessness bit that i dislike the most… it’s like i’m watching myself sinking into turgid blah, but at the same time completely incapable of doing anything but wallowing in it… sigh…

slumpalumpa — of course, completely incapable isn’t strictly true… i have learnt to manage it… there are things i can do that keep me from taking in too much water… but sometimes (most of last week, for instance), it’s difficult to arrest the slide… tiring is what it is… like a feedback loop… still, whatcha gonna do? modulate, modulate…

biennale — spent the afternoon at the mca, checking out some of the biennale… some great stuff on show, including an amazing installation called witness, which basically consists of a forest of speakers hanging on translucent wires from the ceiling of a dimly lit room… that doesn’t make it sound like much, but it’s actually quite beautiful… all of the speakers play recordings of people who claim to have seen UFOs… lots of different voices (& languages) speaking at once, so it sounds like a crowd of people talking, but as you walk among it you can pick out individual stories…

file under freaky — the first speaker i stopped to listen to had a recording by sam bratten, of sam bratten cycles, talking about four unidentified flying objects he saw flying north-east over kirwan, north queensland… i mean, it’s not like i used to visit his bike shop or anything…

other highlights — the clowns of turin (they’re right there on the shroud!),
an airline safety video for escapologists (andrew, you’ve gotta see it), & the reality correction installation… if you’re gonna be in sydney between now & 14 july, go & see it…

wintery — winter’s finally arrived… lucky i did all that shopping in italy… mmm, warm jacket… & hopefully my heater won’t keep tripping the circuit breaker & killing my alarm clock when the timer switches it on in the mornings…

post-object umbrella

time out from the beautiful slander,
metaphorically rolling your sleeves down
like a guidance counsellor sighing
over legal transcripts,
slumped in a chair as your finest hour
does laps of honour round your polychrome head.
another day of learn to swim classes
for the casually hydrophobic,
perfunctory tears under strict quality control,
perverse echo of the afternoon rain
drifting easily through glebe,
no virtue or options, leit motifs considered
from the safety of advanced side impact protection,
waiting for yoga’s temporal balm to smooth
your symptoms & resurrect the long view,
oxford street blurred through residual sobbing.

ode to gross domestic product — darlinghurst in italian wool, 6.30am wind stripping leaves then newspaper (yesterday’s? today’s?) blowing down forbes street, intersection, headlines, party still going at the oxford, a dog chases frisbees the bouncer throws & later, traffic queued beside hyde park, world tower growing like time-lapse photography, a handful of coffee & breath steaming into cold air past broadway car alarms & construction workers (no silver hats but), onwards, one foot after the sun maybe one foot under clouds rolling by & aeroplanes on final approach over camperdown…

introducing the apple martini:

me: “hi.”
apple martini: “hi.”
me: “pleased to meet you. & all your little friends…”

apple schnaps. vodka. shaken, then slurred. i mean stirred. (actually, no, i think i had it right the first time…) mmmm, the apple martini, the missing piece of my life… i didn’t even know it was missing… but it’s just gorgeous, all apple flavoured with a cinnamon aftertaste that lingers & lingers… [sighs longingly]

king street saturday — drinks & dinner with kate & lyle on saturday night… cocktails then a vegetarian banquet at indian fantasy… too much food! but ultra yummy… did i mention the apple martini? i did? mmmm…

image processing — so i’ve just about sorted the images from my trip, but even after shrinkin’ ’em down & ditching the blurry &/or boring ones (it’s all relative), i discovered i still had about 5Mb of pikkies… that’s down from around 40Mb as they came outta the camera, so the trend is in the right direction… i’ve still gotta bit of sorting out to do, but should have them up by the end of the week…

the now with added clones issue: afternoon update

sigh — bag of jaffas? check. bottle of water? check. ticket? got it here somewhere… decent seat? yep. okay george, roll ’em… aiee! make it stop!!! make it stop!!!

so it was dumb — but then, wasn’t it always? (weren’t the ideas always better than the films? almost as if that was their DES-tiny?) was it pretty? yep. in fact, the effects were pretty spectacular… though you’d expect nothing less… was it a disappointment? oh c’mon, after the phantom menace? well, yeah, it kinda was… but at the same time, it was better than i was expecting it to be… which may only go to show that my expectations were pretty low…

so where does it fit (from least to most stinky):

1. episode v: the empire strikes back (do or not do)
2. episode iv: a new hope (aunt beruuuuu)
3. episode ii: attack of the clones (i don’t like sand)
4. episode vi: return of the jedi (yub yub)
5. episode i: the phantom menace (roger roger)

increase your word knowledge:

• Anakin — Noun. A life-size wooden doll. Possibly a corruption of mannequin.
• Scriptwriter — Noun, archaic. In ancient times, a person who wrote film scripts. (Historical Note: Film scripts used to be full of something called realistic dialogue, but by the twenty-first century film makers had discovered that any old crap would do, particularly when making a big budget sci-fi film.)
• Digital Effect — Noun. The feeling that you’ve just been duped by a big budget sci-fi film.

afternoon update:

how much money do you have to spend? ewan mcgregor is pretty good. hayden christiansen really needs to embrace the power of the dark side, or mebbe just learn how to act as soon as he can. he manages a couple of flashes, but for the most part he looks like he took a wrong turn on the way to battlefield earth & finished up on coruscant by accident. samuel l. jackson is better, but still looked like he was made of wood. natalie portman was bad. yoda was good in close-up, but needs an agent to review the scripts he’s getting sent. most of the cgi stuff was great, but some of the blue screens were surprisingly poor. the dialogue howls like a wounded dog. occasionally like two wounded dogs. at a couple of points, like a whole pack of wounded dogs being beaten with sticks.

meanwhile, on the planet apologia — although i have to admit i still left the cinema going whoosh, & spent the time walking home having a conversation with my inner obi wan… what i can’t quite work out is why. actually, that’s not quite true. the film itself, as a film, is something of a shocker. apart from the dialogue, it’s badly constructed, & there are long sequences that are just pointless & dumb… (anyone for an interminable speeder chase? anyone for the conveyor belt scene? look out for the whacky crazy coruscant taxi & the exciting super-mario jedi & the robot assembly line of doom, both coming soon to a games console near you!) & if that’s not some kind of zerg that keeps trying to eat master kenobi, then i’ve never played starcraft…

scale, depth & ewoks — what doesn’t redeem the film, but goes a long way towards redeeming the experience of sitting through it, is the star wars universe… i mean, sure, a lot of it’s simplistic & reactionary &, to be honest, just plain stupid, but at the same time there’s a scale & a depth to it that i connect with in a space opera-y sorta way… the ewoks started me on this train of thought, & episodes i & ii have pretty much confirmed it — the films themselves are the worst things about star wars…

early nomination for the dumbest scene in the film? well, they’re lining up & begging, but i think my vote goes to “what will happen to padme? she’s trapped in that big buckety thing!”, perhaps the most tedious bit of non-suspense i’ve ever sat through… mebbe you could be generous & acknowledge that the wider narratives work against the build up of any kind of tension, but if you’re gonna admit that, why waste so much screen time on it?

survive this you will, yes — in fact, it’s quite strange to know the ultimate fate of pretty much every character i cared anything about… knowing that they’ve still gotta be around for the next movie did tend to reduce my interest whenever they were placed in a supposedly life-threatening situation…

the madness of king george — i think, ultimately, lucas is a game designer, not a gamemaster… lock him in a room & let him come up with concepts, but give those concepts to writers & directors who can actually tell stories… mebbe you could even let him do some art direction or something, just keep him away from the actors, & the cameras, & the editing suite…

& now my rant is done — so yeah, overall it was a disappointment, but i’m still looking forward to seeing episode iii… i must confront my fear, only then a jedi will i be…

a complete re-think of my present lifestyle?

The strong urge for change within you prompts you concentrate your energies into breaking old habit patterns. What is it you feel you are missing? Could it be that over the last few months duty and work seem to have replaced all the fun in your life? Do not be disheartened but have a clear picture of what you want — a complete re-think of your present lifestyle might be needed in order to answer these questions and come up with some innovative and workable solutions.

innovative & workable solutions — yes, well… that will have to wait, obviously, until at least tomorrow… tonight i’m dressin’ up like jabba the hutt (“woah, dude! great costume!”) & seein’ if’n i can’t find me a kinema with klones… (hmmm… my doggysense is tingling… anyone call for a barkslinger?) warming up the barkometer even as i type…

future farmers — if you’ve the time to wait for it to download, click to enter & wait for the beautiful rabbit…

ahem — apparently, i’ve made “a significant & very positive impact in a very short space of time, in an unfamiliar environment in difficult circumstances”… <blush> (had my performance review this afternoon. gosh. & here i was having a snarky week… obviously i was worrying too much… although that doesn’t, of course, mean i don’t still have lots to do…)

friday equals clones — for example, i spent part of the day reading about a kilogram of documents (on which i’ll be expected to discourse tomorrow morning with familiarity &, if possible, a degree of eloquence & something approaching at least an impression of expertise… no pressure, though…) & i’ve got friday off to go & get lucasfilmed, so…

rainin’ but clearin’ — it rained most of the day, although i i made it to work (with my sore ankle — which is not actually that bad) in the dry… i guess the rain set in about ten or so… sydney uni’s quite gorgeous in the rain… (well, parts of it… luckily, the parts of it i tend to frequent…) but now the sky’s clearing again… wow. it’s like a whole world of weather…

all your webmasterbase are belong to us — useful stuff here for those so inclined &/or compelled…

welcome to the snarky, corporate whining issue:

just great — suddenly overcast yesterday afternoon, suddenly hissing down this evening… i had a whiny morning, everything was annoying me & things didn’t improve when i discovered that yesterday’s announcement of thursday morning movie-going turned out to be, as they say in the classics, a little premature… instead, i was Told that on thursday morning My Presence Is Required at a High Powered Meeting… (loosely defined as several excruciating hours in which Upper Level Management ask extremely difficult questions of, & shower work upon, their Lucky Minions… no prizes for guessing which role i’ll be performing…)

other possible sources of residual snarkiness:

• i’ve had a headache most of the day; or
• i lost again at squash & twisted my ankle in the process;

when all’s said & done — i did briefly entertain the idea of seeing whether ULM would buy “i know this meeting’s been postponed once because i was on holidays, but i’m sorry, i’m going to see star wars that morning”, but i figured they probably wouldn’t go for it…

in point of fact — as HPMs go, it’s promising to be relatively interesting, & there’s a good chance it might even produce a Favourable Outcome (as opposed to an Extinction Level Event or, as they say in some circles, an Excession…) &, he says, struggling gamely on in the attempt to convince himself that keeping his day job was a better idea than holding out to see attack of the clowns, there’s a better than even money chance jar jar binks won’t be at the meeting… nor will it be directed by george lucas… i just hope there’s popcorn…

dead dingo’s dumber — chrisT has been experiencing the joys of switching ISPs… i was lucky, my transition was pretty seamless… largely, i think, because when i rang to cancel my old ISP (they’ve gone legs up, but were gonna continue billing me unless i rang them to say i no longer wanted their defunct non-services) i discovered that despite the fact they’d been charging me at their special “bundle your long distance calls with us & get cheaper net access” rate for well over a year, they’d never actually got around to switching my long distance calls over… i figured as much, having never received a bill that suggested they had… these people went out of business because…?

so yeah — now my net connection’s faster, my long distance calls are cheaper, & i’m even getting billed correctly… & chris appears to be slowly emerging from switch-over hell… it’s almost a perfect world…

&, to be fair — apart from twisting my ankle (& not having an umbrella) the afternoon turned out to be much better than the morning… the wonders of paracetamol dispelled my headache, & my attitude gradually recalibrated itself, & now i’m at home, &, well, nothing too stunning in that little lot but i think tomorrow’s gonna be a better day… it’s a walking day, for starters…

heh — & i ordered chairs with bright orange upholstery to go around the meeting table in my new office, the renovation of which is apparently progressing slightly ahead of schedule…

5 no 4 no 3 token links:

• the realization & suppression of situationalism
• the biennale of sydney
• the origins of the merzbau

& it’s 4-5-6-7 / grab your umbrella / grab hold of me / ’cause i’m your favourite fella…

overcast — weird. it’s gone all overcast all of a sudden…

whadd’ya mean, you can’t see my new shoes?

slow day — the day’s just draggin’ on & on… although clones are reportedly about to attack, which lends the week a certain tinge of anticipation… andrew & i are gonna do the über-nerd thing & take thursday morning off work to go see it… which i guess is probably really only the sub-über-nerd thing, because we’re not actually gonna hit one of the midnight screenings…

hi mum — happy mother’s day!

go the new moon!

There is a strong desire in you to break out of old established habit patterns, and to try something more to your current liking and way of thinking. This is an excellent time to do so as the New Moon is traditionally an auspicious time to make a fresh start — the two weeks to come are ideal for you to set your cap at something new and innovative. Do not miss this opportunity, and be creative in your thinking. Artistic endeavours, recreational activities, and your relationships to children and lovers could all benefit from this influx of energy, so let your imagination have free reign, and enjoy yourself.

late afternoon blues update:

well i walked into town, & i bought myself some pants
said i walked into town, & i bought myself some pants
& them pants done got me thinkin’
i should learn me how to dance
yeah but i don’t feel like dancin’
cos my baby’s far away,
oh these pants are made for dancin’
but my baby’s far away
hope these pants’ll keep me happy
’til my baby’s back some day

seem to have left a few IQ points in town somewhere — so yeah, anyway, yoga this morning then i walked into town & bought myself some black cords… & two new t-shirts… & a shoulderbag… & i just happened to walk past some cheap CDs, so i now own the strokes (is this it), the white stripes (white blood cells) & not from there (sand on seven)… all of which are rather cool (in that indie guitar kinda way that i like…)

fell in love with a girl / fell in love once & almost completely / she’s in love with the world / but sometimes these feelings / can be so misleading / she turns & says “are you alright?” / i said “i must be fine / ’cause my heart’s still beating” /
she says, “come & kiss me / by the riverside, bobby says it’s fine / he don’t consider it cheating”

red hair with a curl / mellow roll for the flavour / & the eyes for peeping / can’t keep away from the girl / these two sides of my brain / need to have a meeting / can’t think of anything to do / my left brain knows that / all love is fleeting / she’s just looking for something new / & i said it once before / but it bears repeating

the white stripes are too cool — “fell in love with a girl” could be the best song i’ve ever heard… oh, & easy to thrash along to… just a basic B-A-D-E for the first part of the verse, then F#-A-D-E followed by F#-A-D for the bridge, & yeah, those are the basic parts, just play as required… drag it out & go wild…

now it’s 1-2-3-4 / take the elevator / at the hotel yorba / i’ll be glad to see ya later / all they got inside is vacancy…

going to print — a list apart discusses media-specific stylesheets…

your department store convictions

hard ons aren’t always welcome it’s no disaster
but where you are determines how you feel
& what’s natural about sex don’t tell me
as if the best views exhibit some arbitrary
hidden structure you can guess at but never solve,
imaginary private eye less successful
than your personal voyeur, wide-eyed & pushing
those gasping blue buttons, then after the life
psychoanalysis performed by amateurs fills the gaps
with rant & babble, soothing your
department store convictions until you approach
a casual replacement for aromatherapy,
each thesis saluting as the ship goes down
despite fireworks & the disconcerted murmurs
of spectators, reflected from your forehead

a structural cure for homeownership fantasies — over at lexifab, dave’s concerned about an unexpected outbreak of homeownership fantasies… here in sydney we have a sure-fire cure for that sort of thing… we call it The Price of Housing, or sometimes, if we’re feeling a bit sydney morning herald, The Property Market… how does it work? it goes something like this:

Groundfloor studio apartment, slightly larger than a small cardboard box. Rising damp, some structural problems, rotting original bathroom & cramped kitchen tastefully finished with an extensive array of imported vermin. Expansive views of shooting gallery & industrial waste bins. Asbestos barely noticeable, traffic noise & stench adds character. Suit investor (rental returns $1,800 per month) or first home buyer. Auction 17 May, bids in the region of $500,000 expected.

in my next life — i’m gonna be a playground bully who steals the other kids’ lunchmoney as soon as i start primary school… then i’m gonna find a bank that offers kiddies some kinda Junior Mogul deal, & i’m gonna invest my hard won returns so that by the time i’m (let’s say, for the sake of argument) 34, i’ll be able to move to sydney & buy my very own vermin infested shoebox & still be able to afford luxuries like, oh, i don’t know, food, & electricity…

in my current life, however, it looks very much like i’m just gonna sit back at night & listen to the whooshing sound that house prices make as they soar ever skywards…

not voting, breathing — aspirational voters? does the latest attempt to get in touch with the fickle/disenchanted (pick one) electorate represent some kind of backroom agreement between the major parties to give up on the graveyard vote? uh, no, i guess if it did they’d be talking about respirational voters, wouldn’t they? inspire, aspire, expire… sigh…

monkey mail — hey, cool… if an infinite number of monkeys sat down at an infinite number of email clients…

woowoowoo thanks for mentioning my little edge of the web on your web
site!

yours charmingly,
monkey

charmingly for sure… zimbu says hi, btw…

woowoowoo — it’s italian for www… (as in, for example, woowoowoo dot himonkey dot net…)

i miss the tiny cars of rome…

uh oh — i’m still reading moby dick, but i’m starting to get a bad feeling about that white whale…

headachey friday — sigh… not having a great morning… although not having a disaster either… just… flat… y’know?